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If you are a recovering perfectionist, like me, you may sometimes feel an enormous amount of guilt around procrastination. It can be the obvious things like putting off that research paper for your evening class or getting the motivation to start that new project at work. But it seems to be the most frustrating with the little tasks. Simple tasks like answering that text message that has been unopened in your phone for days or tossing that card you meant to mail last week back into the endless junk drawer. Even putting off brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed because you know as soon as you do, it means the next day is about to start.
Then the spiraling negative thoughts start. Why am I so lazy? Why do I lack discipline and self-control? Why is everyone around me so motivated and organized and I can’t get these simple tasks done? Why am I inadequate? If only I could pause time for a moment and sort out what’s holding me back from getting started.
In my efforts to reduce my screen time and social media addiction, I’ve turned to some analog sources of entertainment and was reminded of this beautiful piece of writing by Sylvia Plath.
The poem goes something like this “I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, another was a famous poet, another a brilliant professor, … an Olympic lady crew champion…” and so on. “I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose… choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there unable to decide, the figs began to go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
This piece is a blurb out of an autobiographical novel about a young woman living with depression and anxiety, existing under “The Bell Jar” as she describes it. A high performing individual with all the scholarships she desires and all the exciting opportunities at her fingertips but constantly living in this overwhelming sense of self-doubt and inadequacy. She describes it as continuously breathing the same old contaminated air from the metaphorical jar she put herself in. Plath doesn’t just beautifully describe a relatable description of what living with depression and anxiety feels like, but also the well-known symptoms of these conditions: procrastination and decision fatigue. We claim procrastination as a sense of laziness or a lack of discipline, but it’s a survival mechanism. It’s the result of chronic stress and perfectionism. I can’t fail at this task if I never start it. Immense fear and panic over the future builds huge barriers-to-entry for small everyday tasks out of safety causing this self-sabotaging freeze zone. We let self-doubt and the fear of what others think of us dictate our actions, or lack thereof.
If you are familiar with our organization, you know we offer mental health screenings and the anonymous data from these shocks me every month. Screeners are asked “What do you feel is the main cause of your distress?” And far out numbering trauma and abuse and financial problems and family issues and all the obvious basics is …. SELF IMAGE. The main cause of mental distress is being noted as a FALSE self-perceived notion of inadequacy.
Here’s where I give you the words of wisdom because I can’t stand it when an article outlines a problem without giving a suggested actionable solution.
I encourage you to open the window, change your scenery, try a new hobby that challenges you, and just let yourself be bad at it. Use your brain in different ways than you are now. Like that of a child, trying new tasks is what helps build new connections, confidence, and self-esteem. We were not meant to stay in the same stagnant air breathing old lies about ourselves in and out. We are all living life for the first time. Growth and new habits are built out of slow, consistent change, at any age or stage of life. When faced with a moment of decision fatigue, ask yourself, “What is the root of my hesitation? Am I being led by what others say I am? Or by who I know I am.” Make the first low-barrier decision to create a habit out of being decisive and confident in yourself; and know there are plenty of ripe figs left to enjoy.
Sarah Weyh, MPH
Mental Health Advocate
This article was written by a human, untouched by Ai.
